a very clever friend pointed out that a large part of my stress is from being in a transitional moment, and that I will certainly feel at least a bit better once I figure out exactly what the imminent future holds for me. But for now, another doom and gloom post. Because I do want to remember this. I want to remember how it felt, what happened, how I came to the choices I made. Because so often I look back and cannot remember how I came to decisions.
The thing is that our "new job opportunity in a different city" is looking more and more like a trial separation. I don't really know what JD is thinking, but we did after all do long distance for 6 years. And during that time we wrote or spoke daily, and usually many, many times a day. Not so much now. And it's so much worse now that the fusspot can ask to speak to her father, and I have to explain that he's busy, that he went out rather than back to his apartment, that he's still sleeping ...
No, I don't actually think it's all that serious. We are both entirely committed to this relationship. But in the short term, it's pretty clear that I can't exactly rely on him for the little things. Of course, that realization was the entire reason I encouraged him to take some time to himself.
And I've been feeling queasy and stressed all day about a meeting tomorrow. A meeting in which I need to explain exactly why I am in such a rut, and convince someone that things are getting better. The type of meeting where having a clear plan would help. But not so much. I'm basically just whittling down the hours.
I joined a writing group, and was amazed to learn that a good 90% of the other students have therapists. And they all seem to have friends or parents who they call late at night when they get stuck. Friends who check in for accountability, who encourage them. And I don't. I presume because they are just sick of hearing about all of this. But all evening I've just wanted to talk to someone, to get some feedback, to think through what I am going to say tomorrow. And nope. And that is most certainly because the people I know are too busy. This past weekend I ran into 3 formerly close friends, none of whom I had seen in the prior 6 months and one of whom I had not seen in a full year (oh, and she was 32 weeks pregnant. surprise!). I would like to find a different community of women, a community that stops and cares for its own, that celebrates the little things. But then again, I would also have to feel like I have something to offer.
I did have a friend over for dinner with her 2 kids. It was lovely and the usual crazy. The fusspot scratched her daughter, her daughter broke a huge glass mixing bowl, one of the babies spilled a glass of milk ... but between that we talked about the ordinary life stresses. I can't really complain to her about work because I really do feel that this situation is a personal failing. I should have started therapy sooner, I should have tried harder, I should have at least told everyone what was going on. I read stories of men and women who go through repeat depressive episodes and still manage to hold onto their jobs and wonder how. And then I read stories about this economy and panic because I really do need an income, a job.
Anyway, limbo is bad. But I will be fine. And in the meantime I will read plenty of stories and find a way to calmly rush my daughter out of the door on school mornings. And I will keep in mind that even though graduate school is something people are deeply emotionally invested in, it really is no different than any other job, and most likely a far less worthy endeavor than most career paths.
The thing is that our "new job opportunity in a different city" is looking more and more like a trial separation. I don't really know what JD is thinking, but we did after all do long distance for 6 years. And during that time we wrote or spoke daily, and usually many, many times a day. Not so much now. And it's so much worse now that the fusspot can ask to speak to her father, and I have to explain that he's busy, that he went out rather than back to his apartment, that he's still sleeping ...
No, I don't actually think it's all that serious. We are both entirely committed to this relationship. But in the short term, it's pretty clear that I can't exactly rely on him for the little things. Of course, that realization was the entire reason I encouraged him to take some time to himself.
And I've been feeling queasy and stressed all day about a meeting tomorrow. A meeting in which I need to explain exactly why I am in such a rut, and convince someone that things are getting better. The type of meeting where having a clear plan would help. But not so much. I'm basically just whittling down the hours.
I joined a writing group, and was amazed to learn that a good 90% of the other students have therapists. And they all seem to have friends or parents who they call late at night when they get stuck. Friends who check in for accountability, who encourage them. And I don't. I presume because they are just sick of hearing about all of this. But all evening I've just wanted to talk to someone, to get some feedback, to think through what I am going to say tomorrow. And nope. And that is most certainly because the people I know are too busy. This past weekend I ran into 3 formerly close friends, none of whom I had seen in the prior 6 months and one of whom I had not seen in a full year (oh, and she was 32 weeks pregnant. surprise!). I would like to find a different community of women, a community that stops and cares for its own, that celebrates the little things. But then again, I would also have to feel like I have something to offer.
I did have a friend over for dinner with her 2 kids. It was lovely and the usual crazy. The fusspot scratched her daughter, her daughter broke a huge glass mixing bowl, one of the babies spilled a glass of milk ... but between that we talked about the ordinary life stresses. I can't really complain to her about work because I really do feel that this situation is a personal failing. I should have started therapy sooner, I should have tried harder, I should have at least told everyone what was going on. I read stories of men and women who go through repeat depressive episodes and still manage to hold onto their jobs and wonder how. And then I read stories about this economy and panic because I really do need an income, a job.
Anyway, limbo is bad. But I will be fine. And in the meantime I will read plenty of stories and find a way to calmly rush my daughter out of the door on school mornings. And I will keep in mind that even though graduate school is something people are deeply emotionally invested in, it really is no different than any other job, and most likely a far less worthy endeavor than most career paths.
2 comments:
I say this over and over as I read your blog - being a mom is hard. It's midnight and I still have a kitchen to clean and a shower to take.
I don't know the details of your graduate career, or what field you are in, but graduate school is something many many people love very much. It takes a lot of love to produce good work at the graduate level. But then the same people I've known realized after their life's effort had been poured into acquiring the three little letters after their name, a moment of panic hit. None of these people, I might add, had two children that they shared a room with.
I, too, don't tell my friends what is going on until things are so bad they reach a drastic point. Also, I live in a place, like you, where people are so busy, I barely see my close friends so that they know how bad things are going.
I wish you luck. You aren't alone in the world in how you feel - I feel pretty similar too most days.
I hate you bein so stressed and emotionally isolated. I want to be helpful in advice but short of "hey, something's got to give" (at least in the short term) I'm not sure what to tell you.
It's actually okay if something does "give." Taking a break will not be the end of the world, it will be just that...a break, some time to breathe. Lovingly, I feel like you have a lot of restrictions (self impose or choices) that increase your stress. I am in NO WAY being critical of those choices!!! But the getting around the city (for example) is a giant stressor that, without two parents or a babysitter in the home, prob can't be avoided. Unless you change your work situation...many of the stressors are inter connected, but there seems no place to bend or make changes? Does it feel that way? And yet you know the breaking point is near.
I don't really understand the situation with your husband, I admit. But it seems extraordinarily unfair that you are always carrying the entire enchilada for the kids and home and hearth.
I'm not sure I've written anything helpful but I do care about you and have been very concerned. Changes must be made. For you, for the kids.
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