distracted? tired? uninterested?
When we started this whole parenting project, JD and I were fully committed to being "coparents." Honestly, we're liberal, well-educated, urbanites who both have busy careers and for an extra dose of good omens my father-in-law does about 95% of the cooking and cleaning in the house my husband grew up in.
And now?
Well, JD does a few very useful things around the house. Let's list them:
1. He supports us financially, at a very time-consuming and unpredictable job. However, he could work from almost anywhere and now has some control over his work schedule (i.e. other people in his office head home for dinner from 6-8 pm and then back to the office, or work from home. His office even employs a full-time courier to shuffle things around the city as needed. He had to put in about 15 hours this weekend but he could have woken up at 8 and got it done in time to join us mid-afternoon ...)
2. He washes the pump parts. I don't do that. Ever.
3. He does about half of the grocery shopping enroute home as long as I remember to e-mail him an exact shopping list.
4. He usually gets the dumpling dressed in the morning as long as I remember to set out his outfit.
5. He cooks 1-2 meals per month. However, he really doesn't eat more than a handful of meals with us during a month. He gets free/subsidized food whenever he is at work, so I'd say he averages about one dinner a week at home.
um ...
6. Ah yes, he files the taxes.
I will also add that I am simply over nagging him. He is a full-grown, adult person. I am not his mother, his secretary, or a wife who is going to set out reminders about basic tasks like emptying the trash or doing the dishes.
On the other hand, JD is an incredible, loving parent. He baby-wears, he rocks children back to sleep at 2 am, he handles all middle-of-the-night illnesses. He reads stories in the mornings, he plays ball at the playground. He is loving and gentle and kind and fully committed to hands-on parenting. You know, when he's around.
And maybe that's just the norm for our neighborhood. I spent about 3 hours in Central Park on Saturday and chatted with at least 4 other parents. 2 moms out alone with their kids (both husbands at work), 2 dads out with their kids (one wife resting with the dreaded morning sickness, the other wife at work). Let me just clarify: this was 3 pm on a bright, sunny summer afternoon. I know that the 40 hour workweek is dead and gone in our part of the world, but is that also true for the 60 hour workweek?
Also, I do not begrudge him his need for a little downtime after a long workweek. In the end we are all happier if he takes an evening or an afternoon off (or both) to relax alone over the weekend. I simply don't do that. I'd say that I do 98% of any socializing over the heads of my children. I take them shopping with me, to my doctors appointments, to not-entirely-kid-friendly places all over the city.
I'm not sure I have a good conclusion to this. JD had to run by our pediatricians this morning. It is on his way to work, saved me a ton of time, and yes, I nagged him to do it. And when he asked where it was? I just told him to google it. I mean, we have 2 children. I've made at least 12 doctors visits per year, and probably far more in the fusspot's first year. And he doesn't even know where our pediatrician is.
If it weren't for me, the kids would have no playdates/activities/awesome excursions to neat parks in other neighborhoods. They would not go to the pediatrician, the dentist, to have their hair cut. They would have no clothes, no toys, no books. They would not have the most adorable toddler room ever. Truly. Ever. They would not do art projects. They would not have blocks and trains and a light box. They would not have careful chosen play CDs and dance music and bedtime lullaby CDs. I'm sure they would probably still be happy. JD was raised without all of that, after all.
There are definitely days when he does a lot for the family. But there are also weeks when he does absolutely nothing except wash the pump parts. And he is well aware that I do all of the cooking/cleaning/laundry/activity planning. His usual refrain is that he doesn't mind if the place is filthy, and of course neither would I ... if it weren't for the children playing in the grime, finding and eating yesterday's cheerios, whining about their dirty favorite dress ...
I am not all that unhappy with the situation. I usually find housework fairly relaxing. I have a super-efficient system for getting it done, usually between midnight and 1 am (one room per night and we only have 5 counting the bathroom, laundry one night, and then a big project for the last night of the week). Woe to the real estate agent in the future who tries to sell us on more space. We have between 600 and 700 square feet now and I can not imagine going to anything larger than double that for any reason. Sure, I'd love it if my husband knew where we kept the kid's socks or the stroller raincover or if he'd taken both of them out without me more than once in the, say, 15 months since the dumpling was born.
But we have different strengths, we have different needs, and I have no doubt that he is an excellent father. I guess I just find it no wonder that my career is floundering, that he is a good deal less enthusiastic to recommend parenting to his friends than he was even a few years ago. And I guess I wonder if this is the trap all dual income families fall into when one person has a much higher salary/more specific work demands. JD at some point during the debacle said jokingly it would be ok if I was a SAHM for a year or two. But honestly? Not much would change. No daycare bill, but otherwise I already manage the house.
I guess my strong suspicion is that our situation is really not all that unusual, even in our bizarrely liberal little neighborhood. It's just that far less people are willing to admit the reality, even to themselves.
When we started this whole parenting project, JD and I were fully committed to being "coparents." Honestly, we're liberal, well-educated, urbanites who both have busy careers and for an extra dose of good omens my father-in-law does about 95% of the cooking and cleaning in the house my husband grew up in.
And now?
Well, JD does a few very useful things around the house. Let's list them:
1. He supports us financially, at a very time-consuming and unpredictable job. However, he could work from almost anywhere and now has some control over his work schedule (i.e. other people in his office head home for dinner from 6-8 pm and then back to the office, or work from home. His office even employs a full-time courier to shuffle things around the city as needed. He had to put in about 15 hours this weekend but he could have woken up at 8 and got it done in time to join us mid-afternoon ...)
2. He washes the pump parts. I don't do that. Ever.
3. He does about half of the grocery shopping enroute home as long as I remember to e-mail him an exact shopping list.
4. He usually gets the dumpling dressed in the morning as long as I remember to set out his outfit.
5. He cooks 1-2 meals per month. However, he really doesn't eat more than a handful of meals with us during a month. He gets free/subsidized food whenever he is at work, so I'd say he averages about one dinner a week at home.
um ...
6. Ah yes, he files the taxes.
I will also add that I am simply over nagging him. He is a full-grown, adult person. I am not his mother, his secretary, or a wife who is going to set out reminders about basic tasks like emptying the trash or doing the dishes.
On the other hand, JD is an incredible, loving parent. He baby-wears, he rocks children back to sleep at 2 am, he handles all middle-of-the-night illnesses. He reads stories in the mornings, he plays ball at the playground. He is loving and gentle and kind and fully committed to hands-on parenting. You know, when he's around.
And maybe that's just the norm for our neighborhood. I spent about 3 hours in Central Park on Saturday and chatted with at least 4 other parents. 2 moms out alone with their kids (both husbands at work), 2 dads out with their kids (one wife resting with the dreaded morning sickness, the other wife at work). Let me just clarify: this was 3 pm on a bright, sunny summer afternoon. I know that the 40 hour workweek is dead and gone in our part of the world, but is that also true for the 60 hour workweek?
Also, I do not begrudge him his need for a little downtime after a long workweek. In the end we are all happier if he takes an evening or an afternoon off (or both) to relax alone over the weekend. I simply don't do that. I'd say that I do 98% of any socializing over the heads of my children. I take them shopping with me, to my doctors appointments, to not-entirely-kid-friendly places all over the city.
I'm not sure I have a good conclusion to this. JD had to run by our pediatricians this morning. It is on his way to work, saved me a ton of time, and yes, I nagged him to do it. And when he asked where it was? I just told him to google it. I mean, we have 2 children. I've made at least 12 doctors visits per year, and probably far more in the fusspot's first year. And he doesn't even know where our pediatrician is.
If it weren't for me, the kids would have no playdates/activities/awesome excursions to neat parks in other neighborhoods. They would not go to the pediatrician, the dentist, to have their hair cut. They would have no clothes, no toys, no books. They would not have the most adorable toddler room ever. Truly. Ever. They would not do art projects. They would not have blocks and trains and a light box. They would not have careful chosen play CDs and dance music and bedtime lullaby CDs. I'm sure they would probably still be happy. JD was raised without all of that, after all.
There are definitely days when he does a lot for the family. But there are also weeks when he does absolutely nothing except wash the pump parts. And he is well aware that I do all of the cooking/cleaning/laundry/activity planning. His usual refrain is that he doesn't mind if the place is filthy, and of course neither would I ... if it weren't for the children playing in the grime, finding and eating yesterday's cheerios, whining about their dirty favorite dress ...
I am not all that unhappy with the situation. I usually find housework fairly relaxing. I have a super-efficient system for getting it done, usually between midnight and 1 am (one room per night and we only have 5 counting the bathroom, laundry one night, and then a big project for the last night of the week). Woe to the real estate agent in the future who tries to sell us on more space. We have between 600 and 700 square feet now and I can not imagine going to anything larger than double that for any reason. Sure, I'd love it if my husband knew where we kept the kid's socks or the stroller raincover or if he'd taken both of them out without me more than once in the, say, 15 months since the dumpling was born.
But we have different strengths, we have different needs, and I have no doubt that he is an excellent father. I guess I just find it no wonder that my career is floundering, that he is a good deal less enthusiastic to recommend parenting to his friends than he was even a few years ago. And I guess I wonder if this is the trap all dual income families fall into when one person has a much higher salary/more specific work demands. JD at some point during the debacle said jokingly it would be ok if I was a SAHM for a year or two. But honestly? Not much would change. No daycare bill, but otherwise I already manage the house.
I guess my strong suspicion is that our situation is really not all that unusual, even in our bizarrely liberal little neighborhood. It's just that far less people are willing to admit the reality, even to themselves.
3 comments:
I am pretty sure that if we have kids that our labor roles will fall under very tradition despite us being really freaking liberal. But I am okay with choosing that, as long as it is a conscience that we make together.
And this -- what you describe -- would be one huge root of the wage gap, even for the most liberal families.
S. has gotten busier at work this past year, and our routine is looking more and more like yours. I mourn the loss of a partner in parenting (e.g., he will be essentially gone for the last three weeks in June), and I can appreciate the juggling act you're pulling off. Much as I know it's sexist to say this, I don't know that a husband would do it, at least, not in the same way.
(And: thanks for the comment, especially about letting N. feed me, which she does love to do ... I should let it be the playful gesture that it is!)
I'm sure it's not all that unusual. Until now, Josh and I have really been about even in terms of time spent on family and work. It's going to be interesting now, to see how differently things work out with me being home and Josh commuting an hour. I probably won't mind all that much.
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