when everyone is talking holidays and family and travel ... and we are gearing up for a big birthday bash over the weekend for the fusspot. And it makes me wonder if those of us whose families don't fit into the hallmark card are just quieter than normal, or whether other people are also trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
Here's the thing: I had a very happy childhood, and my family is overwhelmingly normal, pleasant, responsible. There are no gross deficiencies here, no huge scandals, no decades-long feuds. And yet ...
last night when I logged into skype to chat with my sister and congratulate her on something she'd done, the fusspot walked up to the computer and said VERY loudly "WHO IS THAT?" Because we hadn't spoken in 6 months (although we do e-mail), and although she lives only a couple of hours away, my sister has seen the fusspot maybe 5 or 6 times, for a half day each. She had met the dumpling exactly three times: at his naming (she flew in for 4 hours total) and twice when enroute to or from a NYC airport for about 2 hours each. No, she has no other nieces or nephews.
And my father, who I overwhelming find quite normal, entirely failed to remember the fusspot's birthday or get her a card or present. And last night I told him that was fine (we do talk every week), but then this morning I decided that it really is not ok. So I went online and ordered something for the fusspot, from her grandfather. And I tried not to cry. She has an amazon wish list, she'd be thrilled with a $5 package of stickers or a card, but she's 3, it's important to her that the people close to her are involved with the big events in her life.
My guess is that more people than not have slightly remiss families like mine, and I'm wondering if you cover for it? Do you explain that my closest relatives (except for my mother) are in fact very, very distance relatives (you know, cousins three times removed ...) who I just happen to love and admire very much? Do you cover for the people who should remember big days? I know that the fusspot is surrounded by adults who love her and see her regularly: her daycare provider, our close friends, the mom of one of her good friends, but I also know that those relationships are less likely to hold up under multiple moves, extra children, etc. I cherish the photo of the fusspot being held by her great-grandmother (on JD's side, all of my grandparents are deceased), and would happily suffer a 12-hour flight with 2 children to have a photo of the dumpling with his great-grandfather hanging on the wall, but it seems like neither my husband nor my family can even understand that.
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I did not grow up with a very healthy family, but my husband did, and I'm quite envious. They would never forget each other's birthdays. Everyone together at holidays. Everyone is on a schedule for the holidays now so that we are ALL together for at least one of the major holidays each year. They love being around each other. The cousins are almost like siblings.
Family is a funny thing. I always feel kinda weird and distant with family around, but I've learned that it's just cause I'm messed up. Michael loves all his relatives and spending time with them. And I love watching them with him too. And I'm totally not into going the extra mile to visit relatives, but we do it with DH's family because we want Michael to grow up in a warm, protected net of family like DH did. It's just one of those things that money can't buy and nothing can replace.
I'm with you. It's really not ok for a grandparent to forget his granddaughter's birthday. You did the right thing covering for him this time, but I'd have a talk with him about this being important to you. That's not normal for a grandparent (IMO). My parents are too weird to even go into, but I know they probably want to spend so much more time with Michael than they do. And I know that he is never far from their thoughts.
I have an aunt that forgot my birthday when I was little and remembered my brother's and it broke my heart. I haven't talked to her since I was eight. It's her loss, too bad she'll never know how much she missed out on.
I get that your sister probably doesn't know what she's missing out on. I think if she ever has kids she might appreciate your visit and realize that she did a pretty bad job with her niece and nephew. You could try talking to her about it, but I think having kids is one of those things that makes you appreciate and want family more and sometimes.
Family is a funny thing. Good luck.
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