The usual overwhelmed, but with end in sight

Ugh, new blogger features.  Sorry about the blank post.

I sat down to write an update last Thursday night and JD promptly called "just to check" if it was okay that someone wanted to see our apartment at 8 am the next morning.  And so goes life.

I am busy: writing, trying to keep our apartment mildly presentable so we can get it sublet before the end of the month, packing a full apartment, arranging all sorts of absurd moving details (car insurance, pre-K, doctors appointments, new utilities, new drivers license, blackout curtains, the usual mundane details) ... all without JD who is busy at his new job in DC.  It's a little exhausting.

And more than just the moving details (which honestly don't faze me that much), I am in the process of saying goodbye to friends and trying to squeeze in a few more city activities, and spending as much time as I can with the fusspot as she processes leaving her school and friends and dance and language classes ... and I am just not sure where I am going to get the energy to enthusiastically set about building a new social network.  We know plenty of people in DC (I did grow up down South) but they all work full-time, and given the awful geography, I just don't see us actually seeing any of them very much.  And of course, we are the only ones with "older" children.  Several have very new babies, but we have only one local friend to meet up with at the playground and such.

And in the midst of all of that, just a few days before the rest of the Western hemisphere turns to navel gazing on January 1st, I looked in the mirror on Christmas Day and realized I really, really need to diet (wish I could exercise but seeing as I have trouble finding time to take the trash out without the kids, I don't really see any time for a jog).  I weigh as much as I did at the end of pregnancy #2, and quite honestly look rather pregnant.  My JJ bras don't fit, and my metabolism surely isn't getting any better.  So I decided to take small and moderate steps towards reducing my sugar intake ... and what do you know 2 weeks later (and 21 months post-partum) I started spotting.  So there's that.  Which is to say that I am pretty sure that with enough resolve I could get my body onto some type of cycle (long-time readers may recall that both of my pregnancies were the result of IF treatments in a month following a weight loss of 30+ lbs.  Yes, 30+ lbs in under 30 days seems to be the magic math which kicks my body into recognizable cycle shape, even if I probably still don't ovulate without help.  And no, I am not overweight.  My BMI is still normal and I wear size 6 pants.  This is entirely about insulin resistance, not weight).  So here's to hoping to return here to vent about many absurd things (the joys of showing a rodent-infested apartment are one I will try not to discuss in too much detail, but oh my!) and also a little actual IF-related angst.

Where to start ...

when my long-time reader and fellow traveler, the other Rachel, writes to inquire how I am doing I figure I should start posting again.  Still here, still stressed as can be about this stupid degree (and working against a clock of less than a month to prove I can do it.  Fun times ...), still single parenting, still battling a mice infestation, still worrying about the dumpling who is currently on a food strike ...

So let's jump into the 2 dilemmas of the evening which happen to be on my mind.

Maternal guilt, aka the great school district-quality of life debate.  Even though it is practically impossible to do, we are moving from the heart of NYC to an equally expensive neighborhood in a new city.  And we plan to use public schools.  JD has now visited at least a half dozen public schools, charter schools, magnet schools, and by all accounts there is one that is far and away our top choice.  It happens to be Reggio Emilia inspired, which has always been my favorite educational philosophy for all that I find it quite hard to implement cohesively at home.  But there are also other options: charter schools, schools on the up and coming, the full gammit.  And tomorrow JD will most likely sign a lease on a lovely apartment literally on the wrong side of the street from the school district we want (odd numbers - lovely small charter school, even numbers - problematic public school).  In part, I just want to be done.  I want an address, a place to plan for (and oh the pre-move nesting is in full mode.  4 new prints have arrived for our as-yet-unadorned new apartment), I want to finalize daycare plans for the dumpling .... but there is also the maternal guilt factor.  We could wait another month or two and probably find something in our ideal school district.  Something smaller, something more expensive, but then the fusspot would be able to attend an art-inspired tiny public school.  And while we are not even close to considering the suburbs, a little more space would be really nice.  Since I have a friend staying in the kids' room, we are basically living in a 500 square foot apartment with 2 kids, 1 double stroller, 1 bugaboo, several mice, and a lot of books.  So part of me thinks we should go for the big apartment (1500 square feet!  Back yard!  Eat-in kitchen and formal dining room which will become our art space/playroom), but then a part of me wonders about the guilt of choosing a large apartment over an incredible educational opportunity for the fusspot.

And I really don't want to make too much of it because the child is freakin' 3 years old, but she is not currently excelling in school.  Sure, she loves it and they love her, and she's toddling along at the very end of their age-appropriate range (not surprising since she's the youngest kid in the class by 2 full months), but at our recent parent-teacher conference the poor teacher (who I quite like) spent a good 5 minutes talking her way around the fact that, well, if the fusspot were her kid, well, she probably wouldn't waste the 2 hours to get G & T testing done ... yeah.  Am I worried?  Not at all.  She's 3, she has very specific interests, and I think in a better classroom she would be more challenged to explore other things ... but still, makes you think.

And while we are in move angst, JD accidentally signed us up for a local HMO (local as in local to where he resides, not NYC) so healthcare for the kids has been rather a soul-squelching process of calling the HMO, coordinating with our local urgent care clinic, calling upon the kindness of our old pediatrician ... and all because?  Well, the local HMO has the best fertility coverage.  But now JD wants to switch plans during open enrollment because they are such a hassle to deal with and I don't think he realized how few options we would be offered for handling the dumpling's food aversions ... but if we switch then we are back to zero fertility coverage.  Which of course is what we had for both the dumpling and the fusspot and it was fine (thank you Amex).  And I could easily see us spending a good year paying out of pocket and switching back next December to the local HMO if we were really only considering IVF.  But then again, any coverage would be nice now that we have childcare for two ...

SO: anyone ever used Kaiser for fertility treatments?  Know a friend of a friend of a friend who did?  Any wisdom on whether they are good, amenable to varying protocols (flashback: I have a highly unusual diagnosis combined with severe PCOs), responsive?  If you don't want to post your response, you can always e-mail: longdistanceinfertility (at) gmail.

Ok, back to work.  Hopefully something more to say soon.  But in short, still here, still stressed, still enjoying my adorable children.

What a week here in our little neighborhood

Sitting snug and cozy on the couch listening to the wind and the sirens go by.  For now we have internet and power, and as renters pretty high up in a building and away from the water our only fear is losing either of those for a couple of days.  Of course, it's not like we even have a working flashlight in the apartment as I discovered last night at midnight while exploring another mouse nest in the hall closet, but we are well stocked with tea lights, candles and sugar cookies.

Just like Irene, the start of this storm was even odder.  Public transport shut down last night but we stayed out at a toddler birthday party and caught a late bus home.  And then this morning I took my kids in to daycare for a few hours through clear skies and back well before the wind picked up.  We even stopped for fresh bagels, bakery bread, and more toppings for sugar cookies.  When it started really raining this afternoon we headed literally across the street for a playdate.

NYC is a city of neighborhoods and it is astounding what storms can do to make you painfully aware of distances.  The fusspot's best friend lives exactly a mile from us, but we weren't really up for walking that far.  Another friend lives at the half mile mark, but that seemed too far.  However, across the street was entirely reasonable and safe despite all of the glowers we received as my two rainboat and bright raincoat clad children -finally- seized the opportunity to go puddle jumping.

And speaking of our neighborhood, well, it was an incredibly emotional week for many mothers here.  I did not know the victims, but it's a small community, and sure enough I received a call from a friend on Friday who said she couldn't bear to take her kids to pre-K while the grief counselors were there so they'd taken the day off.  Tragedies happen, and some capture our hearts either because they are so close, so familiar, or so picture perfect.  The same day that 2 little white children were stabbed to death in a situation which could not have been predicted or prevented, a newborn related to our public pre-K died in a fire which could have been both predicted and prevented.  Except she wasn't "all American" (read: wealthy.  white) and so the coverage was practically nil.  That is not to minimize in any way the tragedy on W. 75th, but I do think that a large part of the media coverage stems from a wave of cultural anxiety about working parents (not that the mother worked, but it was assumed she did because she had a nanny.  And to all of the awful commenters across the U.S. deriding a SAHM for having a nanny, I dare you to drag 3 children on the bus and subway every time one of them has a late school pick-up or birthday party or activity.  It is simply fundamentally different than driving a crowd of children around and urban transport with small children is endlessly exhausting.  If I could afford a babysitter so that I didn't have to bring the dumpling along to the fusspot's incredibly inaccessible dance class I would do so instantly).  The reality is that women work, and childcare is outsourced to all sorts of people, but as a country so many people seem to still fantasize about an idealized 1950s dynamic.  Nobody asked why the father was working, nobody even wondered whether he had thought to background check the nanny.  It was all about the mother.  And of course because the crime was so random there is so little that the mothers on the street can do to distance themselves and make their own homes feel safe again.

And in a week when the weather was topsy turvy and the playground talk was full of fear, someone smashed our car windows (the car was on loan from my in-laws).  It is 100% covered by insurance and even happened at a time I wasn't in a rush to get anywhere, but there is a still a feeling of violation.  And more so because the bags the thieves were going after were actually the fusspot's summer clothes which I had finally packed up and put on the floor of the backseat so they could go into my in-laws basement.  Which is to say that someone took a razor and sliced open plastic bags of clothes my children wore, ruffled through them, and stashed 2 bags under the wheels of another car.  It had to be kids clothes.  I know it is trifle compared to the violence of both the storm and the murders, but it still sticks with you.

Obviously I haven't slept much.  This is undoubtedly incoherent.  Signing off now.  There is a small carved pumpkin, roses, and a pile of tea lights on the table ready for tomorrow.  And chances are the kids and I have a full day of painting, gak, and decorating sugar cookies ahead of us.  More thoughts on (weekday) single parenting some other night.

Just a very quick post

to say things are going much better.  Not the least of which is having our apartment newly hermetically sealed this week and thus far ... no mice!  I hadn't quite realized what a hassle mice would be when living alone with 2 kids, but it just felt like every 5 minutes I was stopping to sweep up crumbs or do dishes, etc., and it certainly made getting out the door in the morning that much harder.  The thing is that we live in an old building with a lot of old folks, above a pizza place and Dunkin Donuts, and there are going to be mice in the building, and the only thing I can do is to keep them out of my apartment by limiting the food.  Just to give you a sense of how bad it was, the mice had actually scaled a bookshelf and eaten a cookie the fusspot left in a bag she has ... 4 feet off the ground.  And of course, I am just too paranoid of neurotoxins to use pesticides in the apartment when both my children routinely put toys in their mouth.

Anyway, this post wasn't meant to be about mice.  Just a note to say work is going better, got a small vote of confidence when it mattered, had a thorough talking to by a woman I admire about rising above, and gave my husband a clear ultimatum which he handled much better than expected (nothing serious, just that I must have hours to work every weekend when he is in town, and it is entirely absurd that I get less done the weekends he comes to visit).   So we're off to visit him in DC for a long weekend, and to see a very close friend who lives abroad and will be in town.

And yes, Ms. J, as ever I appreciate your wisdom.  I am rarely very articulate here, but my point was that I realize that there are choices involved, that something has to give eventually, and I want to write down quite how hard this is so that next year when I look back and wonder exactly what happened, I will be able to remember the absurdity of it all.  And it helps so much to hear that this is not all me, that other people also struggle, Luxzia. 

Even though it was late and dark before we even set out, I accepted an invitation to a friend's house for dinner last night.  And even though the fusspot had to be at school at 8 am this morning, I put my feet up and sat on my friend's plush couch and sipped a (miniscule) glass of wine while our kids played long past bedtime (only possible because her husband was out of town on a business trip).  And it was good.  And hopefully there will be more of the same this weekend.  Especially if I can manage to get a few hours work done in the morning, instead of late late night after watching the kids all day.

Eh, back to doom and gloom for a bit

a very clever friend pointed out that a large part of my stress is from being in a transitional moment, and that I will certainly feel at least a bit better once I figure out exactly what the imminent future holds for me.  But for now, another doom and gloom post.  Because I do want to remember this.  I want to remember how it felt, what happened, how I came to the choices I made.  Because so often I look back and cannot remember how I came to decisions.

The thing is that our "new job opportunity in a different city" is looking more and more like a trial separation.  I don't really know what JD is thinking, but we did after all do long distance for 6 years.  And during that time we wrote or spoke daily, and usually many, many times a day.  Not so much now.  And it's so much worse now that the fusspot can ask to speak to her father, and I have to explain that he's busy, that he went out rather than back to his apartment, that he's still sleeping ...

No, I don't actually think it's all that serious.  We are both entirely committed to this relationship.  But in the short term, it's pretty clear that I can't exactly rely on him for the little things.  Of course, that realization was the entire reason I encouraged him to take some time to himself.

And I've been feeling queasy and stressed all day about a meeting tomorrow.  A meeting in which I need to explain exactly why I am in such a rut, and convince someone that things are getting better.  The type of meeting where having a clear plan would help.  But not so much.  I'm basically just whittling down the hours.

I joined a writing group, and was amazed to learn that a good 90% of the other students have therapists.  And they all seem to have friends or parents who they call late at night when they get stuck.  Friends who check in for accountability, who encourage them.  And I don't.  I presume because they are just sick of hearing about all of this.  But all evening I've just wanted to talk to someone, to get some feedback, to think through what I am going to say tomorrow.  And nope.  And that is most certainly because the people I know are too busy.  This past weekend I ran into 3 formerly close friends, none of whom I had seen in the prior 6 months and one of whom I had not seen in a full year (oh, and she was 32 weeks pregnant.  surprise!).  I would like to find a different community of women, a community that stops and cares for its own, that celebrates the little things.  But then again, I would also have to feel like I have something to offer. 

I did have a friend over for dinner with her 2 kids.  It was lovely and the usual crazy.  The fusspot scratched her daughter, her daughter broke a huge glass mixing bowl, one of the babies spilled a glass of milk ... but between that we talked about the ordinary life stresses.  I can't really complain to her about work because I really do feel that this situation is a personal failing.  I should have started therapy sooner, I should have tried harder, I should have at least told everyone what was going on.  I read stories of men and women who go through repeat depressive episodes and still manage to hold onto their jobs and wonder how.  And then I read stories about this economy and panic because I really do need an income, a job.

Anyway, limbo is bad.  But I will be fine.  And in the meantime I will read plenty of stories and find a way to calmly rush my daughter out of the door on school mornings.  And I will keep in mind that even though graduate school is something people are deeply emotionally invested in, it really is no different than any other job, and most likely a far less worthy endeavor than most career paths.

Let's stick to the cheerful for a while

The dumpling turned 19 months old yesterday.  And he is delightfully toddler-ish.

He is exceedingly good-natured, although he has a very strong preference for walking and usually spends his first few minutes in the stroller yelling.  He can (and does) walk up to a mile on his own, although the pace is rather slow.  I have lots of photos of him toddling along next to the stroller while the fusspot rests her feet.

At the playground he takes off without so much as a look back.  Even on the huge playground in Central Park with a hundred other kids he does not seem to feel the need to check in with me as the fusspot did (and does).

He is very social.  He also has absolutely no idea that he is small.  When a 5 year old cut him in line for the slide last week he just walked up to him and tried to shove him out of the way.  He happily pushes his way to the front of the preschool drop-off rush through both 50+ preschoolers and their parents.

He still nurses to sleep and snuggles next to me all night long.  He also wakes up to eat at least once a night.  And he is really hungry in the middle of the night, so I have no plans to drop that nursing session.  Also, he basically doesn't nurse during the day so he is only nursing 3-4 times per 24 hours, although 2 of those are good half hour sessions.

He loves books and will sit and read to himself for a good 10 minutes.  He will read board books, but is also fine with real books.  He also plays on his own quite well.

He loves to paint and draw.  Less interest in playdoh.

At brunch over the weekend he spilled some of his water.  He looked at the spilled water, paused, and then a huge grin came over his face as he grabbed a napkin to clean up. 

Potty training has stalled because I don't have the time.  Also, he went through a phase where he rather seemed to enjoy peeing on things and that put a damper on my enthusiasim for diaper free by 18 months.  I am however hand washing diaper covers every night so I need to return to this project.  This morning he was carrying around two of the fusspot's dolls (yes, he has his own.  He prefers hers).  He carried them into the bathroom, seated them in front of the toddler potty, and then proceeded to sit on the potty for a good while.   Apparently he does better with an audience.

He loves his sister most of all, no matter what she does to him.  In the morning he wakes up nurses on one side, then clambers over to the edge of the bed to check on the fusspot, then returns to nursing.  He spends a lot of time wandering aimlessly around the apartment going "mine" "mine."

He also happily goes to our daycare provider and seems to really enjoy being there.  He is very rarely in a rush to leave.  I know she spoils him.  He seems to have about equal comprehension in English and Chin.ese.  He does an adorable rendition of ABCs with a passable tune but never gets past D and often resorts to "AB ... AB ... AB .... AB .... AB ..."  He also sings a recognizable Langzi laohu.

He has never had a haircut and we are trying to hold out until his 3rd birthday.  Thus far, thankfully, no rat tail.

He is still not on the growth chart and frequently refuses food.  He occasionally seems to be in food-related pain, but probably only once a week at most.  His favorite foods (when he will eat) are apples, berries, pasta, and hot dogs.  He does not like olives or ice cream in any form.  He also rarely eats sweets, even when offered. 

the angst continues

It is 4 am and I am sitting here trying to send a work-related e-mail explaining exactly how the utter meltdown in my personal life has affected my work.  Fun stuff, as always.

In fact, it is so trite and predictable that I am left at a loss as to how we can really be almost done with 2012 and still dealing with this stuff.  Let's see, student who also happens to be mother of two suddenly deals with husband in tailspin, single parenting, bizarre and stressful situation at work, and potentially seriously ill child (although thankfully probably not anything serious) while still battling post-partum anxiety, and you're wondering why she missed a deadline?  And really does it matter in the big scheme of things?  (Of course, the answer may well be yes and hence my fear of sending this e-mail).

A very wise friend and one I see fairly often (read: no longer working) pointed out that a large part of this stress is being in transition from a career-oriented future to ????  She reminded me that as soon as choices are made and paths are closed I will feel better, and I think she is right.  On the other hand she had a successful career until she gave birth at age 41 so she is in much, much better position to return to the workforce in 5-10 years.  For the past 2 weeks I have been asking everyone about life choices, about working and not working, about family size.  And the short answer is that here in my exceedingly privileged pocket of NYC the options suck.  I actually only know two women who genuinely work full-time and parent, and one is kind-of superwoman and the other is deeply miserable and has a very supportive husband.  That's not so suggest that there aren't other mothers who work, I just would never even meet them or have entirely fallen out of touch (superwoman and I see each other 1-2 times a year even though we live in the same neighborhood).

Example A, the kids participate in a truly idyllic shared-tutoring in Chin.ese with another little girl.  I have e-mailed with her mother at least 20 times, but we've never met.  Her nanny arrives at 7 am and leaves at 8 pm weekdays, and puts in a shorter weekend day.  Everything indicates that she's an involved parent: planning activities for her kids, nursing, co-sleeping ... but I am never going to meet this woman because she's simply too busy with work to take a day off and see what her daughter does on an average day (just like JD has yet to step foot into the fusspot's classroom and apparently the teachers were playing the game guess-that-kids-racial-identity game because they've never so much as laid eyes on him, and probably never will.  School drop-off is at 9 am and pick up is at 3 and he'll be at work during this hours every day this year).

Exhibit B, the friend who had us over for dinner on Saturday night.  She is worried about her fertility (with possibly some cause) but has decided to put off children for another 5 years to establish her career.  She doesn't want to, but feels like she has no other option.  She also has a boss who "can't afford childcare and has to leave her baby with her elderly mother" and "is putting off #2 until after a big work event next year."  Now this is all hearsay and I've certainly never met her boss, but it is exactly the type of hearsay floating around our neighborhood.  In summary, sub-par childcare, a mother crying at her desk at work, and delaying her second child until after a work deadline (for the record she's neither a political candidate nor a scientist about to cure AIDs, in fact the boss has a rather low-level job that is not exactly saving the world, and she's also pushing 40).  Working women who really want careers (as opposed to jobs, which is what happened in Lalaland.  All of the women worked but they never advanced, and many simply stopped trying to do so) are unhappy.   Or they are too busy to see their kids or their friends.  Like say my friend of 8 or so years who also lives in the neighborhood and used to have her nanny put their son down for a "third nap" at 7 pm.  He would then wake up when she got home at 10 pm and they'd have a family dinner and he'd go back to bed with his mother at midnight.  Needless to say I haven't seen her in over a year, although last I heard she was trying an 80% workweek.

I have never doubted that I'd enjoy being a stay at home mother for a few years, or even a decade or so.  I love the time I spend with my kids, I know the other SAHMs in the neighborhood, and I grew up in a very hippie environment so I have hundreds of hours of fun things I would like to do with my children while they are young.  The problem is that while we could swing it financially temporarily, we couldn't do it for all that long.  And JD really doesn't cope well with the stress of being the only breadwinner.  So sooner or later I would need to go back to work, and as someone without any type of established career my fear is that work would be so extremely limited as to be problematic.  If I really want part-time work and agree to take over all of the household stuff as part of the exchange for having JD being the only worker for a year or two, I will not be ready to jump back into a high stress full-time job in a new field (since mine has zero "on ramp."  Zero).  So then I'm left with childcare, teaching middle or high school, secretarial-style work.  Nothing that I would not regret in the long run or that would bring in enough money to help pay for the kids' college, a few big trips, etc.  And the guilt of knowing that my "choices" mean that my kids will only be able to go to college if they are willing to take on huge amounts of student loans.  Or the utter disjuncture of encouraging my daughter to work hard in school ... towards what?  A future at home?  Or stuck in a workforce that cannot accommodate women?

And back to today.  I was not getting anything done at work, so rather than pick the fusspot up from school at 3 and walk her to daycare, then go back to work for an hour and a half, I took the afternoon off.  And as I was walking down the street, pushing the double stroller with one hand and carrying the dumpling on my hip, I ran straight into a female professor I know quite well.  One who has not exactly been supportive, despite being a middle aged mother (of one son, now in high school and with a husband with a very flexible work schedule).  So basically one of the few women who made it through.  She looked straight at me with a look of disgust as I walked down the street at 3 pm with my two children.  And then she kept walking.  No hello, nada. 

It just feels like I am scratching my way into a fortress that I don't even want to get into anymore.  And while I am sure that I would adjust, the alternative still feels like an utter failure.  Not the more time for parenting, less stress part, but the part where I spend 26 years in school (continuously, folks, age 5 to age 31) and land up with a job I could have done at 22.